“The truth about the world, he said, is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from Birth and there by bleed it of all it’s strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analog nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch and many a muddied field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning. The universe is no narrow thing and the order within it is not constrained by any latitude in its conception to repeat what exists without our knowledge than with it and the order in creation which you see is that which you have put there, like a string in a maze, so that you shall not lose your way. For existence has its own order and that no man’s mind can compass, that mind itself being but a fact among others.”
Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy. ______________________________________________________________________________
It seemed absolutely normal. We weren’t getting along. Stresses from being newly coupled, even moving in after a respectful two year reacquaintance period, not that having 20 years of friendship and family wasn’t enough, we chose the slow path.
Pressure was the word of the season. I was pressuring her because things seemed to be taking forever, and they were. The holidays, the birthdays, the pregnancy, the new cats, the slow, urine stained destruction of the living environment were all fuel for the fire. It didn’t help that my body and mind chemistry was beginning to fade to the oddly gorgeous flaming silver+gold+lightning bipolar ocean with all the wildlife and creatures that inhabit any large body, especially the causal body with all that space waiting to be taken to the next level.
Every word seemed “loud.” Seemingly normal interactions were overblown into hate-infested, screaming matches, when in reality, they were simple disagreements (until I got done turning them into all out hate-infested screaming matches…). Work, and attempts at work were becoming futile. My Mind, more on that later, was beginning to take over, and as all minds are willing to do, it was changing the flavor of each and every experience lensed through a reverse microscopic perspective. Synthesia was common, words have color and flavor, food had nothing except calories, perfumes were gasoline and diesel fuel, time was tangible and pungent, thoughts screamed in agony.
Then the text, I need space
I followed the lightning impulse and chased a demon called CDL into the afternoon. I packed next to nothing, enough to live in the cab of a truck for a week at a time and drove 400 miles, checked into a methadone clinic slash jailblock, yes 10 bunks to a room, and began basic training by studying air brake systems with my brain literally on fire. Surrounded by seasoned travelers, I knew I was way out of my element and went into retreat mode. Functionally homeless, I checked into the Baymont Suites. The hotel was probably corporate quality in the late eighties and had slipped into dysfunction, perfect for my mindset. I turned off my digitalia and sunk into the first ring of Hell.
I think the first person present experience of “an episode” is that my thoughts became reality. Mind is an entity, not a concept, and it may not have your best interest at heart.
In the movie Annihilation, Natalie Portman’s character, Lena, encounters an alien entity that is described by Jennifer Jason Leigh’s character as “purely unfathomable mind.” The entity makes itself physical and mimics Lena to the degree that it becomes dangerous, even suffocating and capable of bodily harm and death. Lena responds my loosening her resistance to the entity and eventually has the opportunity to hand the alien a phosphorus grenade, terminating the unfathomable and aggressive nature of the purity of Mind Gone Wild. My mind had gone wild. It was beginning to mimic my physical self to the point that I was having a difficult time understanding which plane of existence, which body of energy, which field of experience I was traveling through. All I know is that Death seemed a valid choice that was becoming more and more entertaining as an option.